Shock and Awe

I received so many words of encouragement after Hope Clark posted my letter to her in her newsletter, I'm in shock at the outpouring of kind words, and in awe of the support for my writing.  I've heard from people from all over the world, and really, am just stunned by the support.  It was unexpected, and most appreciated.

Not only did I receive a tremendous amount of support, I got a ton of great ideas to boot. From blogging more often - which I totally intend to do, to going solo and consulting with my legal career. I have so much food for thought, I'm overfed! The dichotomy of my writing and  professional life, I'm learning, doesn't necessarily have to be so far apart. They can be one, if I do it right. Which I wholeheartedly intend to look into. For sure.

To those that wrote to me - thank you, from the bottom of my heart, for sharing your stories, and giving me even more reasons to go on with my writing.  I know now, that I am not alone in my struggle, and can empathize with those that have gone through a similar circumstance with the whole job/web thing. It's really unfortunate that we creative types even have to consider our "web presence"  as we live our daily lives and try to get by.

I can only hope that my story has encouraged other writers to keep the faith, and keep going with their writing.  If you're a writer, it is who you are - it's what you do, nothing can stop it.

And on that note, I'll sign off, with the knowledge that the writers have united, and had the last word. (As always!)

Take care,
-Amy

Of Course!

I actually have the itch to write, and my laptop is at the Gateway Repair Center being revived from the land of the dead. Since buying it in June, I've had nothing but trouble with it, but in my mind - that's my writing station. I can't get the same "feel" while writing on my desktop computer.

It's all mental - I get that. It's like a weird baseball-player superstition of wearing the same underwear during a playoff, but it is what it is. I hate that I feel this way. Like, if I was a Real writer, I would be able to write anywhere, anytime. Is that true? Or do all writers have their "favorite" places and ways to write?

Maybe if the desktop weren't in the middle of the living room, where I have to contend with 'Ghostbusters' on the TV all day, I could do it. Even headphones couldn't drown out Bill Murray and the Stay Puft Marshmallow man, I'm afraid. (Thanks Josh!)

I really want to get to my edits too. My good friend Jan (I need a nickname for you, since I'm your 'Goddess' lol) has some really great edits for me.

(Thanks again for taking the time to edit Jan!)

I've put off this massive edit long enough. I need to get those first 50 into Page To Fame. I have the desire to do it now, but a huge mental block with no laptop. Or is it an excuse? (here I go a-rambling...) I seem to have excuse after excuse as to why I'm not writing. There's always something that keeps me from it. What am I afraid of? Failure? or success? or both?

In my heart I know I should just buckle down and do it. Part of me is just discouraged by everything and anything, so why even try. Another part of me has hope that someday, just maybe, it will be good enough to someone of importance to do something life changing - like sell. But most of me is just scared. Scared that it sucks. Scared that it will be just another one of my failed attempts at something creative. Scared that I will reinforce the knowledge that I'm no good at anything. If I don't try, I can't fail.

But...

If I don't try, I can't succeed either...

I think I need to follow my Jedi training here -

"Do or do not... there is no try."

The Writer Question, Revisited

I'm struggling with a massive cold/flu bug right now, so this might be muddled, but I need to get this out of my system. I even recently wrote to Hope Clark of Funds For Writers for her insight and opinion on the subject. She may be featuring this situation in her next newsletter, so if you're visiting from there - welcome!

Here's the skinny:

By day, I'm an educated paralegal (meaning, I have a degree and everything!). Well, I should qualify that - I've been unemployed since early April. I'm an Intellectual Property Paralegal (patents, trademarks, etc.), and let me tell you, the jobs in this field are few and far between. I've had some great interviews, but nothing has come to fruition. Here's the rub - I recently had a potential employer, I assume - Google my name, and find my personal website promoting my writing. Upon seeing my website, they decided that my "focus" was not on my legal career, but on my writing career.

While I completely understand their position, if they had truly read at any of the pages they would have seen that I've only published a few short stories (and self-published at that), and haven't even finished writing my first novel!  As I told Hope, unless you see my face plastered on a bestseller in a major bookstore, I still need a J.O.B. to survive! AND - I'm a darned good paralegal too! I loved my job, and I love learning all aspects of the legal world. If anything, my interest in writing makes me a better paralegal!

I like to think that I dodged a major bullet with that particular employer. I don't think I want to work with a firm that doesn't allow for outside creativity, or even hobbies for that matter. It's not like I'm selling porn, or even writing in the erotica genre (no offense to those that do btw). I don't even use swear words in my books. Well, not many...

This situation makes my job search even more discouraging, because now I have to worry that my "web presence" will overshadow my need for a regular income, and a regular job. I'm a single mother, and I have a son with special needs. Once the unemployment runs out, which it tends to do, we'll be in even more financial trouble than we already are. That's pretty darned scary.

Can you tell I've discovered adding pictures to the blog? :)

I refuse to give up on my dream of writing. It's in my bones. But my need for a job is eclipsing those dreams at the moment. Do I keep up my web presence as a writer? Just say "screw you- this is who I am"? Or take it down and stifle my creativity in lieu of a regular income?

Decisions, decisions... and oh yeah, more stress!!

Take care,
-Amy

Happy Happy Joy Joy

It's not going to take much for me to be happy about my writing nowadays.  Just the simple fact that I wrote today is cause enough for a celebration (and a blog post!).  Sure, it's only another three pages so far, but it's THREE PAGES I didn't have a week or a month ago for that matter.

By finally finishing that scene, and that chapter, I'm now inspired to continue with the next chapter and scene, and I'm excited to see where it's going to go - because I have no idea.  This is the fun part of writing without an outline or a plan - it can be a wild ride when the characters surprise you.

So bring it characters! Let's go for a ride!

The Relationship

It’s after 1:00 a.m., and that after-dinner nap that seemed like such a neat idea at the time, is coming back to haunt me. One of these days my sleep will be normal. But then again, my sleep has never been “normal”, and so it goes…

The quiet of my mind about my writing is finally growing restless again, and I can’t tell if it’s out of a true need to write, or out of disgust of not writing recently. I’ve decided I don’t care how or why it’s coming, only that it does what it’s supposed to do – get me to write.

Writing is definitely like a relationship. Initially I fell in love with the idea, couldn’t go a day without doing something with it, thought about it ALL the time, etc., and then real life happened. I started thinking about it less and less, got busy with other things – most of them not that important, really. It then became a love/hate thing, where I dreaded the idea of writing because I just wasn’t “into” it at the time. Then my mind changed on major issues of the book, and I edited the crap out of it. Fickle, aren’t I?

I get that the honeymoon of the novel is over, and it’s time to do the day to day WORK of it. That saddens me some. I want to feel that rush again. The electricity of my fingers flying on the keyboard trying to get it all out of my head and onto the page. Living inside my character’s heads. Visualizing scenes. I want that all back.

I think I can get part of that back at least - if I do the WORK. Like any relationship, you need to do the day to day minutiae, even when you don’t feel like it. It’s life. Suck it up and just do it, right? Right.

I thought about setting little goals for myself – maybe just rewriting that one section that I’ve been telling myself for weeks to do. Or - write so many new pages a day, whether it’s crap or not. But I’m not even going to restrict myself that way. At this point, I think any limitations will only make it harder for me to get started in the first place. I need to start courting my book again, taking it out on dates so to speak, and see where we go from there…

My Writing Is Crap (and other self-sabotage)

I'm approximately 1/4 of the way through in writing my book Ghosting. To some, that may seem like a pretty good accomplishment. To others, I'm not even close to accomplishing anything. To me - the jury's still out. I have read, re-read, edited, cut, rewritten, and in every way, shape, or form, tried to mold what I've written into a story that will captivate readers, and leave them wanting more. But as I go through this process over and over, I get discouraged. My writing is crap. This is unreadable nonsense. No one will ever want to buy this book, or read my story. No one will be interested in this topic. Blah blah blah. You get the idea.

I'm sure I'm not alone in my self-sabotage. Other writers probably feel the same way about their own writing at some point. It's the nature of the beast that is writing, or any creative venture for that matter. Any time you put passion into your work, it's personal. If your creative venue is writing - words come out of your mind onto the page, so if it's only mediocre, that is a direct reflection of your mind, right? Well, that's how I look at it sometimes.

Most of the time, trying to put original word after original word, in an original way, and in the correct order can truly be painful. Did that come out right? Does that make sense? Would that character really say that? In that way? What the hell am I doing trying to be a writer???

Now, I don't always feel this way about my writing. There are times when a sentence or scene comes out just right, and I sit back and smile, and say, "yeah, that's good..." Sure, those times are few and far between, but when it happens, it's heaven. In my book of about 100 pages so far, I have maybe four sentences that are like that for me. I doubt that's good enough.

So, I read, re-read, edit, cut, rewrite...rinse, and repeat.

Am I a “Writer?” or just “Someone Who Writes?”

This is the question that’s been haunting me the last few days, if not weeks, as I find myself completely uninspired to write anything. I have written, but mostly out of a sense of duty, rather than of an urge to “get it out” of my system. Which begs the question; Am I a ‘writer?’ or just ‘someone who writes’ every now and then?

I have this romantic notion about writer’s having to pour their soul out onto the page to get all of it out of their system. As if all the writing and the words are already there, inside them, they just need to type it out – but I’m probably wrong in that perception. Writing is just damned hard work. I have numerous books in the oven, so to speak, but not a single complete novel. I have several finished short stories, and an article that was almost published (before the magazine went belly up), but that’s it. My Writing Cred in full - in all its’ measly unpublished glory. It’s kind of sad when you look at it from that perspective. And daunting, when I look at all that still lies ahead of me on my journey to be published.

I had a long talk with my sister-in-law who is a fellow writer (of screenplays, not of novels), about this today; and about my creeping desire to just give it all up. Of course I got the encouraging cheerleader speech that one would expect: “You’re a great writer! Don’t’ quit!” etc., etc., (insert cliché motivational speech here) ad nauseum. While it did help some, I don’t think it’s necessarily a lack of confidence in my writing that is my problem. When I do write, I think it’s pretty darned good – it’s getting to writing – that’s my obstacle.

It’s not necessarily lack of motivation though, either. I think a lot of it is purpose driven. Almost a “who cares?” type of mentality. I’m not writing to be the next James Patterson (God forbid), or the next Stephen King (although that would be great), it’s not about fame or fortune at all. Well, okay, a big paycheck would be nice, but it’s not my primary reason for wanting to write. I write because I like to think I have something to say, and a unique, or at least entertaining, way of saying it, that maybe someone else out there could relate to. Or even better, be taken away for a minute from their hard lives into another world or drama that I’ve created for them. I think that’s my ultimate goal.

The whole problem is kind of like this blog. Nobody reads it. Nobody’s following it. No one is entertained, or even commiserating with me here. So who cares what I write in it? So am I a blogger? Or just someone who blogs too?

I think the latter.